I'm as blur as you think. I'm not as happy as you think. I'm not as cheerful as you think. I'm not as bubbly as you think. I'm not perky as you think. I'm not...ALL THAT.

Know why?

These past few days, I've been very insecure, paranoid, jealous and most of all depressed. It's all coming back at me again after CE08. Can't I get a break from all those things? Haiz. Life can be cruel to us...in a way. In camp, I was farrr away from all those problems. Now like Chu said, "out there is the real world". Yes. And we're going to face the real cruel cold-hearted world. Wait, we ARE facing the real cruel cold-hearted world. Sigh. And it's not what I expected.

The reason why do I feel insecure. Firstly of my appearance. Yeah people, I GET IT. I'm skinny. Enough teasing me already okay? God made me this way and your criticisms can't change the way I look. The more you lay all your criticisms, the more I feel insecure of myself. And when I get insecure, I'll look down upon myself. I'll think that I'm not pretty, I'm not all that. And I'll think that I'm useless. Yes, I do feel that way for the past few years.I TRIED to ignore it when they teased me but I'm back home, I'll stand in front of the mirror and start to criticize myself for not being all that.


Next stop, paranoid.

The reason why do I feel paranoid. Hmmm. This is a hard one. At times I would get paranoid over itty bitty tiny weeny things. Example,

(a) My lil sis was eating ice cream and it drip on my pants, I scolded her, shouted and her and scream at her. And the sad part is...I just left her crying.

(b) I like this person. He didn't reply for few minutes. I got paranoid.

(c) My dad.

Hiya. And there's more la. It's not really a big deal but I just GOT paranoid. Sigh.
=/.


Jealousy. Wow, when did THAT horrible thing came into this world??? Being jealous at someone is...Argh..the hardest thing to shake it off your mind. And my weakness is JEALOUSY. When the someone get to spend time/ hang around with the person I love, I'll get jealous. And...I hate it so much. I just can't stop that feeling. It's ruining my entire life.

Jealousy is eating me alive.
Jealousy is blocking my heart.
Jealousy is destroying me.
Jealousy kills.


Lastly, depression.

AH, depression! I feel depressed whenever I feel either insecure, paranoid or jealous.

I remembered when I was at Form 1 or 2, I used to carved my hand...with a compass and pen knife. I was emo that time and was stupid. And why did I carved my hand? Because of LOVE. Not just any love, PUPPY LOVE. I'm sure you all do know what does that mean. It always ends that way. Meet a guy, being close with him, he asked me, I accepted him, lovey-dovey for a few months and then BOOM. Then took the compass/ pen knife and carved his name on my hand. Stupid eh?


I feel depressed because this year, my life is full of drama. Where does this "Drama" happened? Where else...school! And it's about my love life. They just bashed me up with their words not knowing that I have feelings too. Not knowing that I'm so hurt that time. Not knowing that I'm their FRIEND. Well I would say congratulations to them for destroying my love life. One of them told me that it's hard to breakup with her lover. Well hello, if it's so HARD and if you KNOW it's so hard then why asked me to breakup with him? And if you think that he is not good for me or he doesn't deserve me then look in the mirror. How many times did you know that your lover had been doing things behind your back? You even know that time that he had been cheating on you. Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just don't get you at all. I DON'T GET YOU AT ALL. And yet...your my FRIEND.




I'M IN AN EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN.


AND ONE MORE THING WHICH IS GOING THROUGH MY MIND...


No words can describe my anger and my pain. No words. Nothing.